…because ultimately, I just want a story to tell.

I wanted to make a physical photo album of my memories from the past 10 years and have put it off for many years. My mental health has been steadily improving, I finally like my job, and I’m at a place where I can just sit down and sort through old photos for a couple of hours.

OR NOT.

Because after carefully selecting 400+ pictures online through a third party print service, “oops something went wrong” and my work wasn’t saved. Fuck these cloud storage and print services things, dude. Fuck shit balls fuck fuck fuck.

What I thought was going to be a zen trip down memory lane turned out to be the complete opposite. It’ll probably be another 10 years before I attempt this again.

Turns out the part that sucked most was scrolling through the most depressing year of my life and looking at pictures of me smiling with my friends and family, looking happy as a fucking clam, but not remembering the actual event. Is this what it means to disassociate? The best way I can describe it is by comparing it to drinking too much, blacking out, and then waking up the next morning with no memories, but then your friends are telling you the events of the night and you’re in all the pictures. It’s just like that… except an entire year’s worth of memories are not there.

If a person who attended her good friend’s wedding but disassociated that entire year, then did that person even experience celebrating her friend at all? And will that person ever get another chance? Probably not.

It’s scary and depressing to remember a time when people on the outside would look at me and give me a compliment about looking good (for women in this society, it was usually about being thin), and every time someone did that, I wanted to break down and cry. I just wanted to scream at everybody and say that I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t eating for days at a time, I lost my appetite whenever I looked at food, I woke up in tears with chest pain every morning, I wanted to go home, I never wanted to wake up or leave the house to begin with, but I had bills to pay and the world wasn’t stopping for me. But yeah, tell me how great anorexia looks. I always took the easy way out of the conversation by thanking them with a smile and excused myself before breaking down.

Recovering from trauma doesn’t get any easier either. Trying to rebuild relationships with missing memories isn’t the same as regular catching up. Connecting with others as a shell of a person is difficult because there’s only one person present in the conversation. Trying to make someone understand that experience and the feelings that come with it is another uphill battle that, as the young people say these days, IYKYK. It’s lonely without others who get it, but I also wouldn’t wish these experiences on the people I care about.

I recently said goodbye to someone I met just this summer. I don’t know how to explain it, but his presence brought a surge of new energy into my life that inspired spontaneity and also reminded me of how it feels to be fragile and vulnerable. I feel alive again, although I’ll admit I’m still shaking off the feeling of withdrawal that rushed over me after I left on Friday morning. It sort of feels like a different form of re-entry blues after an escape from reality. These past few months reminded me that there are still great people in the world that I haven’t met yet and more experiences to come — I feel inspired to love myself and connect with the world again as I continue my journey of healing, indulgence and self-discovery.

So if you’re reading this, I’m glad you came along when you did. I’m at a point where I no longer need you, but a part of me still wants you. But even after these feelings and memories fade, I’ll always think of you fondly and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for getting me back on my feet.🦶🏻

I’m currently in a holding pattern in my late twenties. As I take this moment to reflect on my experience over the past few years, it turns out that I never had a plan and it worked out for the most part. I picked my college for its proximity to the beach, never applied for an internship in my life and didn’t bother submitting any job applications when I graduated either. I even picked up a second major in my senior year of college and studied abroad twice to delay graduation. With my shiny new diploma in hand, this was all I needed for my next transition right back to living with my mom as an unemployed millennial. This was when I learned how to climb rocks and drank beer in high volume. (Really selling myself to employers right now…) That memory was the last time I remember having absolutely no adult responsibilities. In hindsight my underachieving (and privilege) led to some of the happiest moments of my life. 😀

After a year or so I left my family and friends to accept a random job offer that paid below minimum wage in San Francisco, which really shows the how thoughtful I was at 23. I met the best roommate of my life randomly on Craigslist, met my first new friend at work, biked the Golden Gate bridge for the first time, worked at my first tech company and now I’m suddenly turning 29 this year. San Francisco is where I discovered my strengths and found my voice. This is also where I got the wind knocked out of me. Over time I drifted further away emotionally from good friends and family, and then what really crushed me was losing my Grampy.  I realized that I’m no longer in touch with my personal values. I don’t remember what I even set out to do back when I wanted to move out.

I believe that not all who wander are lost. Technically, every day is a “new start” but sometimes getting a new start involves letting go of old routines and relationships that keep us from moving forward. I’m fortunate enough to live a dream that I once thought was impossible for someone like me, but now I need to take some time to explore and reconnect with my values. I live to learn, to understand, to bring out the best in others, and to give back to my community. I’m grateful for all the people who helped me along the way and hope that I can do the same for others.

As for what I’m looking forward to in the next stage of life:

• Challenges
• Deep relationships
• Creativity
• Influence
• Fun
• Community

It’s time to reset. I’ve realized that it’s okay to lose your spark, but now it’s time to rise back up as the whole damn fire.

Well here’s the summary.

Worked too much.

Ate good food.

Traveled everywhere.

Lived out of a suitcase.

Lost someone who meant the world to me.

Felt alone, taken advantage of, misunderstood.

Barraged with inauthenticity.

Lost hope.

Numbed the pain.

Longed for family more than ever.

Reunited with my best friends from high school after 10 years and experienced pure joy.

Found comfort in the ones who matter.

Found appreciation for the simplicity of my beginnings.

Felt more powerful and more helpless than I ever was.

The emotional pain was too much at times.

At one point I felt physical heart ache.

Woke up with chest pain and tears in my eyes every day.

Some cared, but it just wasn’t enough.

I hid from the world.

Numbed the pain more.

Challenged my values.

Let go.

—

I prayed for all of this when I was a kid.

The message is tattooed onto my body.

I wanted to feel everything.

Even the lowest of low, complete and utter despair.

Because now I can help others better.

I still feel resentment.

And that’s okay.

I learned that it means knowing who to trust.

I’ve grown.

Time eventually heals all.

2018 has been one of the shittiest years of my life (so far). I lost my grandfather, worked long hours with hostile business partners, and constantly felt misunderstood and alone until I woke up one day feeling hopeless. My physical and mental health deteriorated. I lost 10+ lbs, I contemplated suicide on a regular basis, I stopped socializing with my friends and started abusing substances. I lost interest in all of my hobbies, and even lost interest in food, sleep and sex. I lost my sense of meaning and purpose in life. I used to think I was strong and resilient enough to overcome any challenge, but I don’t feel as invincible as I did when I was a 21 year old bushy-tailed college grad anymore. Now I’m just aware of how fragile life really is.

The result? I feel humbled. I’ve realized that I am not strong enough to make it on my own. I learned what it means to treat others with compassion through the actions of my friends who were patient with me even when I was the worst version of myself. I learned that it is acceptable to be vulnerable and ask for help. I learned to hold back judgement because I don’t know what else other people are going through. In the words of my friend (we’ll call her Almond), the most interesting people are those who have experienced hardship and come out the other side even stronger than before.

I’m feeling much better now, and with this Thanksgiving holiday break I finally have time to pause and reflect. I’m incredibly thankful for all the people I’ve met in my life who invested in me and supported me so that I can have the life I’ve always wanted. I’m blessed to have good friends from back home who still check in and have proactively made an effort to keep in touch with me even when I was too depressed to respond to their messages. I’m lucky to have met such an incredible group of new friends up in the Bay Area who constantly remind me why they love me and why I matter to them every day. I just don’t understand what I did to deserve some of the most selfless and caring people in my life. My best friend at work (Almond) volunteered to take half of my workload to help me. My manager has been inspiring me and protecting me behind the scenes for as long as I’ve known him. My family always welcomes me home with open arms and showers me with their time and with love. As I sit here counting my blessings, I realize I have more than I could ever ask for because I have some of the most incredible people on my side.

In life there are only lessons. This one was particularly difficult for me, but even this too shall pass. Now as I’m starting to rebuild myself, I hope to become someone who is strong enough to take care of my loved ones and pay it forward to others who are struggling. True friendship is rare, but it’s the only thing that keeps me going when the going gets tough. After all, what’s the point of doing anything if there is nobody to share it with?

Everybody has bad days. And bad days are necessary to help you appreciate the good ones. Except that whenever I have a bad day, it just feels even harder to get through it when I know I was not supposed to be here.

I’m still don’t understand why my mom chose to deliver me, an accidental illegitimate love child who was brought into a broken home. I stumbled through my childhood with the help of temporary guardians and a community of kind neighbors, and with mom’s credit card in hand, I had all the freedom in the world. Then adulthood hit.

That’s when I realized what a shitty person I had become. I had become an entitled, insensitive, selfish brat who lashed out at all the good people around me. Take the lack of communication skills, add poor coping skills, add a pinch of desire for self-improvement, subtract the last ounce of motivation or discipline, and here we have the giant shit show that some refer to as “life”.

Now take what I just told you, make 7 billion unique variations, throw them all together and stir the pot to watch the chaos unfold. I think my new dream job is to become the next god/the creator/the big teenager in the sky/the designer of the simulation, if there’s ever the chance. Doesn’t hurt to ask.

So now I’m on this journey of self-improvement and discovery, right? But then the desire to stay warm and fed took center stage when mom took back her credit card. I formed a few tribes along the way, but I tend to fire my pent-up anger directly at members of my tribe until they’re gone for good. I realize that the only constant variable in all of my failed relationships is myself. Back to square one — back to the original goal of self-improvement while exploring what life has to offer.

But wait, adulthood comes with roadblocks. I’m talking about different sets of rules, penalties, and social norms for each role. The realistic options to explore are more limited than the time when I still had freedom and unsupervised free time. Although had I spent that time recklessly, I’d be worse off today. The only way to override the rules is with an infinite supply of currency.

That’s all I want. It’s not really money that I want, but the ability to override the rules at my discretion. Except that I’m indentured to my corporate masters and stuck on the grid forever.

Maybe ignorance is bliss. I should stop asking so many questions. Guess they’ve finally worn me down.

But that still doesn’t change the fact that I was not supposed to be here. Why wasn’t I aborted when it made no sense at the time? I can feel. I can think. How am I supposed to feel positive emotions when my only two options are between producing for the corporate masters or producing another slave for the next generation of corporate masters?

So leave me alone with my anger and sadness. Just let me feel how I want to feel. (Hopeless and discouraged.)

Stop giving so many shits.

Don’t.

After nearly 4 years of being in a serious relationship, last year I made a tough decision to end it.

Throughout the last year too many people badgered me with too many ignorant, snide opinions that were unhelpful. Whenever someone would bring up my significant other in a conversation, it was like violent diarrhea — I knew it was coming but didn’t have time to do anything about it before the words came spewing out.

“What do you guys even talk about?”

“He’s too old for you.”

“I bet you’re just hanging onto him until you meet a better guy.”

Here’s the thing I learned about taking relationship advice – the best thing someone can do is pass down some general wisdom. At an individual level nobody is qualified to give situational counseling because:

• Someone else is an outsider hearing one perspective. Unless that person witnessed what happened, the advice that comes back would change depending on how you told the story.
• You and your partner know yourselves and know each other better than anyone else. Unless someone else was present for every private, intimate conversation you had with your partner, that person would not understand your relationship dynamic enough to give helpful advice. If you don’t understand the business model, then you can’t consult.
• You and your partner have a stake in the game, others don’t. So while you are sent into a war zone, they’re just standing on sidelines waiting for you to report back. At the end of the day, you and your partner will feel the loss and pain from your decision. So do it on your timeline, and do it when you feel ready.
• It’s really none of anybody’s business.
• There is no right or wrong in life. We all have different personalities, different goals, different interests… same goes for relationships. We all look for different traits in a partner and have varying levels of tolerance for what we can put up with. Define your own goals and values, and even if they’re unpopular, make decisions in line with what you want.

Think of relationships like a journey of self-discovery. At any given point during this journey, you have a choice to continue on or turn around and quit. Rather than focusing on arbitrary milestones that are measured in years, dollars, or age, remember that the focus is having fun with learning about yourself together with a close partner. And when the time is right, you will just know.