Monthly Archive

Everybody has bad days. And bad days are necessary to help you appreciate the good ones. Except that whenever I have a bad day, it just feels even harder to get through it when I know I was not supposed to be here.

I’m still don’t understand why my mom chose to deliver me, an accidental illegitimate love child who was brought into a broken home. I stumbled through my childhood with the help of temporary guardians and a community of kind neighbors, and with mom’s credit card in hand, I had all the freedom in the world. Then adulthood hit.

That’s when I realized what a shitty person I had become. I had become an entitled, insensitive, selfish brat who lashed out at all the good people around me. Take the lack of communication skills, add poor coping skills, add a pinch of desire for self-improvement, subtract the last ounce of motivation or discipline, and here we have the giant shit show that some refer to as “life”.

Now take what I just told you, make 7 billion unique variations, throw them all together and stir the pot to watch the chaos unfold. I think my new dream job is to become the next god/the creator/the big teenager in the sky/the designer of the simulation, if there’s ever the chance. Doesn’t hurt to ask.

So now I’m on this journey of self-improvement and discovery, right? But then the desire to stay warm and fed took center stage when mom took back her credit card. I formed a few tribes along the way, but I tend to fire my pent-up anger directly at members of my tribe until they’re gone for good. I realize that the only constant variable in all of my failed relationships is myself. Back to square one — back to the original goal of self-improvement while exploring what life has to offer.

But wait, adulthood comes with roadblocks. I’m talking about different sets of rules, penalties, and social norms for each role. The realistic options to explore are more limited than the time when I still had freedom and unsupervised free time. Although had I spent that time recklessly, I’d be worse off today. The only way to override the rules is with an infinite supply of currency.

That’s all I want. It’s not really money that I want, but the ability to override the rules at my discretion. Except that I’m indentured to my corporate masters and stuck on the grid forever.

Maybe ignorance is bliss. I should stop asking so many questions. Guess they’ve finally worn me down.

But that still doesn’t change the fact that I was not supposed to be here. Why wasn’t I aborted when it made no sense at the time? I can feel. I can think. How am I supposed to feel positive emotions when my only two options are between producing for the corporate masters or producing another slave for the next generation of corporate masters?

So leave me alone with my anger and sadness. Just let me feel how I want to feel. (Hopeless and discouraged.)