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worst day of my life

2018 has been one of the shittiest years of my life (so far). I lost my grandfather, worked long hours with hostile business partners, and constantly felt misunderstood and alone until I woke up one day feeling hopeless. My physical and mental health deteriorated. I lost 10+ lbs, I contemplated suicide on a regular basis, I stopped socializing with my friends and started abusing substances. I lost interest in all of my hobbies, and even lost interest in food, sleep and sex. I lost my sense of meaning and purpose in life. I used to think I was strong and resilient enough to overcome any challenge, but I don’t feel as invincible as I did when I was a 21 year old bushy-tailed college grad anymore. Now I’m just aware of how fragile life really is.

The result? I feel humbled. I’ve realized that I am not strong enough to make it on my own. I learned what it means to treat others with compassion through the actions of my friends who were patient with me even when I was the worst version of myself. I learned that it is acceptable to be vulnerable and ask for help. I learned to hold back judgement because I don’t know what else other people are going through. In the words of my friend (we’ll call her Almond), the most interesting people are those who have experienced hardship and come out the other side even stronger than before.

I’m feeling much better now, and with this Thanksgiving holiday break I finally have time to pause and reflect. I’m incredibly thankful for all the people I’ve met in my life who invested in me and supported me so that I can have the life I’ve always wanted. I’m blessed to have good friends from back home who still check in and have proactively made an effort to keep in touch with me even when I was too depressed to respond to their messages. I’m lucky to have met such an incredible group of new friends up in the Bay Area who constantly remind me why they love me and why I matter to them every day. I just don’t understand what I did to deserve some of the most selfless and caring people in my life. My best friend at work (Almond) volunteered to take half of my workload to help me. My manager has been inspiring me and protecting me behind the scenes for as long as I’ve known him. My family always welcomes me home with open arms and showers me with their time and with love. As I sit here counting my blessings, I realize I have more than I could ever ask for because I have some of the most incredible people on my side.

In life there are only lessons. This one was particularly difficult for me, but even this too shall pass. Now as I’m starting to rebuild myself, I hope to become someone who is strong enough to take care of my loved ones and pay it forward to others who are struggling. True friendship is rare, but it’s the only thing that keeps me going when the going gets tough. After all, what’s the point of doing anything if there is nobody to share it with?

November 2018

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